Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
