Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
