Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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