I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
