Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
True strength comes from lack of pants
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
