All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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