"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
