Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
