all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
