Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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