just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
