Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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