after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i believe in u and ur pee
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