i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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