I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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