Just fell off a train. Bad.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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