Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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