I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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