woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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