we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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