my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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