my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
you never un-have a 4some
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
