Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
