glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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