could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
