I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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