Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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