Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
