But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
