he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
