yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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