I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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