I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
