Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
