if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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