the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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