I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Randomize
