I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I see more hoeing in ur future
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