I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
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She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
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The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize