I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
