I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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