i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
