meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
