Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.