my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.