this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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