No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me