I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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