he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
