so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
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