I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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