my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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