mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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