I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
