I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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