i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
