he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
